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     For some reason, random companies come to us and say "We'd like our ad in your Bulletin."  And we usually tell them to send all the ads they've got, cause the more ads they send, the less writing there is for us to do.  Scattered through this bulletin are some of our favorite sponsors from throughout the year.  Here's the first:

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The Gum For The New Millennium

     Hi, my name is Oliver Lee, and I have come up with a fantastic product, one that will let you show your excitement for the year 2000 and also give you long lasting flavor, all in one! What is this miracle product that I speak of? It's 2000 Gum, the only gum with the number 2000 printed on every single piece. Now, with every chew, you can show everyone that you are living in the year 2000 and you are so excited about it, that you are chewing gum. 2000 Gum comes in three great flavors: Spearmint, Peppermint, and Mint. It's only $20.00 a pack, and each pack contains up to, but not more than, 50 sticks of this amazing gum. So go to your local store today, and proclaim in a loud voice, "I LOVE THE YEAR 2000!! GUM ME!!"
  2000 Gum - The Gum For The First Year Of The 21st Century or The Last Year Of The 20th Century, Depending On How You Look At It
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--The C. P. Bulletin--

     Over the last thirteen issues, there have been 167 different Bulletin items. (No, really. We counted) Initially, our clever plan was to just reprint all 167 of them, but it was pointed out to us that our idea of "clever" has a striking resemblance to normal people's idea of "ridiculous". Therefore, we sifted through them all and came out with our favorite twenty. It's kind of like a greatest hits thing, if that makes all this easier to swallow for you. So we invite you to get a Hostess Sno-Ball (a yellow one, if you please) and enjoy the very best of Volume Two's Bulletin Items.
**C.P. Mascot - We are saddened to announce the untimely death of the C.P. Mascot, Darnell the Fruit Fly. Darnell was supposed to live 24 hours, but he was accidentally swatted by Happy Rabbit. We yelled at him for what he had done, but he was all, "That fly ain't gonna eat MY butter!" and ran into the bathroom, where he still is to this day.
**Carnival - Once again this year, we are having a carnival to support some cause that we believe in (possibly candy). There is a great new ride this year, called the Hospitalerator, which has shoddy construction and no safety bars, but at least there is no height restriction for the kiddies. This, in addition to our other new ride (the Back Snap) brings the total number of rides to one. Have fun!
**C.P. Quiz - It's time yet again for The C.P. Quiz, the nations most infamous monthly quiz session. We've done a whole lot of these by now, and it's getting really hard to come up with new questions, not to mention the dumpsters we gotta dig in to find worthwhile "prizes". So here's the deal: This month, instead of coming up with a question, we're just going to not. Yeah, I know. We're usually pushovers, but we found this great behavior modifying medication, and it's just starting to kick in. Oh yeah... Advil got it goin' ON....
**Bulletin Recall - If you received any Bulletin from the first volume, you may have been exposed to deadly poison, and also subliminal bike repair messages. If you suspect that you have died after receiving one of these bulletins, or if you fix bikes real good now, return the bulletins for a full refund. We will not ask any inflate tire until firm questions and will gladly send your use a phillips screwdriver to remove the seat refund right away oil the chain.
**Lottery Winner - The highest-ever jackpot in the history of the C.P. Lottery was won last week by two people. Congratulations to our winners, Founder Matt and Señor Matto Foundoro, who will be taking home ten cents each, after taxes.
**What IS The Deal With These Elections?! - Boy, this Florida recount sure is crazy! I tell you what I think about all of this wackiness: (feel free to insert your own amusing take on the presidential elections here)
**Seventh Bulletin Item Stretch - Since this is the seventh item in the Bulletin, we suggest you take this time to stand up, stretch and sing "Take Me Out To The Bulletin". Everybody! "Take me out to the Bulletin! Let me read it a lot! Send it to me every single month, whether I tell you to stop it or not! Cause it's laugh, laugh, laugh at the funny. Just as soon as it can be found! And it's one, two, three jokes, then I'm rolling on the ground!" Now back to the Bulletin!
**Poetry Contest - The First Annual C.P. Poetry Contest has been postponed due to lack of inter... um... RAIN. Yeah, rain. But please feel free to keep sending in your poetry along with the $50 entry fee, and perhaps we'll be able to use it when the contest is resumed. Remember, all poems must be no more than 500 words long and include at least 150 references to Founder Matt, his kitty cat, and/or Keanu Reeves.
**Correction - The website for Commercial Parodies is www.commercialparodies.com and not www.hotxxxaction.com/free/dirty/goatlove as previously reported. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
**New Show - Commercial Parodies loves to exploit fads. Remember C.P.kemon? Who Wants To Win A Regis? All that trouble we caused trying to get Elian O' Toole back to Ireland? Well, in the interest of taking advantage of the latest big thing, we present Bigger Brother, a reality-type show. We got a one bedroom house, and put over sixteen hundred people in it. Then we looked the doors and we were all, "Be interesting!" That was two months ago, and we haven't heard much from the house. There was a lot of screaming for the first week, but that slowly went away. We should've put a camera in there, I guess, but there was just no room!
**C.P. Book Club - This month's selection is the debut book from Dr. Steven Phelps. It is entitled "Random Numbers Above Zero". It is four thousand pages long and sells for... (checks book jacket) CRIKEY!! Seventy-five bucks! Let's take a look at an excerpt and see if it's worth that price:
  (page 2198) "Three, nine, one thousand sixty, sixty one thousand, three, three, three, three..."
     Huh. I wonder what Dr. Phelps is a doctor OF... (checks book jacket) Wow. I didn't know you could get a doctorate in "Jell-O". You learn something new every day.
**Campaign 2000 - So far, the top two candidates for president appear to be Al Gore and George W. Bush. But now our very own Founder Matt has thrown his hat into the ring. And announced that he is running for president too! According to the press release, he will be running as a "Republicrat" and his running mate will be, "Tony Danza", because, as he put it, "I picked Tony Danza cause I heard he's the boss". We wish them the best of luck!
**Hören Sie Auf zu - Niemand spricht Französisch besser als ich mache. Niemand! (The preceding has been a message from new Bulletin writer Hans)
**Look - I know I owe you some money. I fully intend to pay, but I just need another couple of days. KKKKKTT!! KKKKTT!!! Darn it! My cell phone is going out! KKKTT!!! Can't talk now! Driving under an overpass in a canyon! KKKKTT!! I'll call you back! Don't bother calling me! KKKTTTTT!!!!
**Breaking News - It has just been announced by the Associated Press that scientists, after working for many decades, have discovered the answer to the timeless riddle, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" According to our sources, the answer is, brace yourself, "Orange you glad I didn't say banana!" A press conference will be held later this evening.
**Sports Update - Our much-respected sportsman Coach David has announced this week that he will be retiring from coaching to return to his true passion, being the boss of a sports team. We wish him the best, and have also hired him to replace himself. Welcome to the C.P. Sports Team, Boss David! You have equal-sized shoes to fill.
**Pledge of Loyalty - Now that this election debacle is all squared away, the Commercial Parodies Bulletin would like to throw it's full support behind our new leader, Fozzie Bear. Yeah, yeah. We know. Dubya something... but we don't care. Long live President Bear! Waka, waka, waka!!
**C.P. Quiz Answer - You know what? We don't HAVE an answer this month! Yeah, we had better things to do, so you'd better just learn to deal with it. This is just the way things are going to be. That's right! We've finally learned how to stick up for ourselves! The days of bullying us around are over, Bulletin Readers! This is a new era! An era of being assertive! Now we're off to bench press a moose!!
**Congratulations - When we launched our "Cancel Your Subscription To The C.P. Bulletin" contest last month, we sure were shocked to have three people win. Unfortunately, due to the confusion over who the winner actually was, plus the fact that it's too demoralizing to think about how that was our most popular contest ever, we have decided to pull the plug on it. A new, more non-cancel-the-bulletin contest will be introduced in the near future. Stay tuned! And remember, you can only stay tuned by NOT canceling the Bulletin! That is all.
**And Finally... - We here at the Bulletin would like to take this moment to thank everyone for your loyal readership of the Bulletin and the web-site during the year 2000. We've got big things planned for next year, including but not limited to... New Bulletins every four weeks... Occasional website updates... Meetings where we mean to work on the website or the Bulletin but get distracted by something else... and much, much more! 2001 is going to be more than a year. It's going to be 2001: The C.P. Odyssey! And on a sad note, that right there is probably going to be as clever as it gets. (sighs) We're so very sorry in advance.
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Get Money Just For Doing Work!!

     Hi there. My name is Kenny Maines, and I run a business. All day long, I dig holes, then at night, I fill in the holes. I've been doing this for ten years, but my back has started to hurt, and my shovel broke. I'd take some time off, but then who would dig the holes? A duck? I don't think so.
     I have one job opening for a substitute digger. You have to have your own shovel, be willing to work upwards of twenty-four hours a day, and you can't be phased by people honking at you and screaming for you to, "Get out of the road, you lunatic!!". As long as you do your job, and do it well, I want to hire you. I pay pretty good, cause I'm a good investor. A few years back, I put money into something called Billy Ray Cyrus, and so now I'm pretty much on easy street. This means that every third Tuesday, you'll get a fat check for $20,000,000. I hope that's enough. If not, we'll talk, but not during diggin' hours. You got work to do!
     There are other diggin' guys who are advertising right now, who offer less work, more pay, and jackhammers. You could work for them, but why? Why would you do that to me? How can you be so cruel? I hate you! I hate you! (Mr. Maines gets in his hole and weeps)
  Kenny Maines' Hole Diggin' - You'll dig my diggin'!
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--Website History--

     At this time last year, C. P. On-Line was only days away from moving on to its second phase of existence as we made the bold jump from members.tripod.com/CPZone to www.commercialparodies.com thanks to some help from our fine friends at Vision Imaging.  That was only the beginning.
     It seems like the most profound - and involving - thoughts that the people at C. P. come up with happen to always come while we're sitting in a theater waiting for a movie to start.  Which is kind of unfortunate, because it means we can't ever concentrate on the movie.  Well, such a thing happened one day as we were talking about CPPres' cat, Hazel, and one of us jokingly said, "Hey, let's make a website for Hazel."  We all know the bad horrible horrible word that followed.  "Okay."  And thus was born our newest pet project, "/Orange."  Of course, we never anticipated that Hazel would have a website that would explode into so much.  It's always a bad thing when we start something as a joke, because it will, without exception, become a very involving process.  So involving, in fact, that the Hazel website has exploded from around 9 pages to around 20.  That's not so many pages on first glance, except when you consider that every last one of them is dedicated to an orange cat.  And we love him.
     We didn't make a new CD this year, although you'd better believe that "Commercial Parodies Presents" is still available on our merchandise page.  On the other hand, we won't make any promises, but a second CD is something that's been gradually coming into the planning stages lately.  Honestly, the CD is in a stage that a lot of our plans are in right now, and that stage is where we talk about doing it, and we talk more and more, and it's becoming inevitable that it'll happen, but we're not entirely sure when it'll happen.  There are a lot of things in that category, to be honest.  It would blow your mind.  Heck, it blows our minds.  Suffice to say, this next year may be insane.
     The history of the Bulletin has taken a few twists and turns.  We began the year with the conclusion to "A Night Without Sunshine," which was painfully popular in many circles.  Thinking that a continuing item of that variety would be a good thing to try again, we attempted "The Diary of Dan Frank."  We couldn't be more sorry.  But we hope to make it better with our newest effort "A Day Without Moonlight."  And the Bulletin has had a new twist besides that.  As you probably know, CPPres and Happy Rabbit write the Bulletin in its entirety, each doing their own separate parts.  But there was one Bulletin this past year in which they traded places and wrote each other's parts instead.  Quirky?  Yes.  See if you can figure out when it happened, and we might give you a prize or something.  Maybe.
     And of course, I'm sure at least some of you are curious about the fate of C. P.'s newest incarnation, C. P. After Dark.  Well, we haven't done too many new episodes lately which, although we hate to admit it, is probably because of the guy who threatens to "call the sheriff."  We're scared little men.  So very scared.
     Which brings us to the present, a time in which we really don't know exactly what's going to happen over the next year, or really even what happened last year.  Things fell through, so we're back to our old home at http://members.tripod.com/CPZone, unfortunately.  But we're determined to make sure it stays as cozy as it ever was, which is why we're giving it a special birthday update in a couple of days.  So come visit us.  We like you.  And maybe you'll be able to make sense out of why we love doing this thing called C. P. so very much.
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Coming In October From MSN Pictures

     In the 80's, there was only one TV show worth watching. It was called CHiPs, and it was all about the wild adventures of two motorcycle cops working for the California Highway Patrol. But what happened behind the scenes of this hit series? There have been plenty of rumors and speculation, but at last the true story can be told. From MSN pictures...Haley Joel Osment IS Jon and Michael Clarke Duncan IS Ponch in... CHiPs: The Motion Picture.
     A Chevy Blazer is going 75 in 70 zone, and Ponch and Jon attempt to pull it over, but it refuses to stop! The tension mounts as the chase rockets through the freeway and speeds upwards of 78 miles per hour! Then, after about twenty seconds, the Blazer pulls over. Ponch and Jon issue a speeding citation, and politely send the driver on his way. It's action! It's excitement! It's CHiPs-rific!
     Here's what the critics are saying about the latest film from MSN Pictures:
   "I get the feeling that whoever wrote this movie had maybe only seen one or two episodes of CHiPs. I mean, there was a lot of freeway stuff, but I don't understand why Ponch and Jon were playing in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl. And then there was the canned laughter that you hear through the whole movie. Even in the dramatic parts. I just don't get it, but I'm still proclaiming it the best picture in history."
       A.P., Santa Monica Press
   "I mostly just feel bad for the stars of the movie. That whole scene where Ponch gets fried in the electric chair, and then Jon starts seeing dead people. It's almost as if the director just cut up a bunch of other movies, and put the CHiPs theme in the background. I dunno. Maybe I'm just overly suspicious."
       E.E., Kansas City Times
   "My favorite scene in the whole movie was when Schindler shoots Jaws, and then drives Miss Daisy over to play with her toy cowboy Woody. It's trippy, but it also makes you think."
       M.L. BulletinNet Magazine
     So come see the film that has over forty A-list Hollywood stars, but only cost $215 dollars to make. It's CHiPs: The Motion Picture! Pull over and see this movie, or you're under arrest!
  CHiPs: The Motion Picture - Not Rated, Directed by Founder Matt and Written by John Grisham
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--A Bottom Ten List You Can Sink Your Teeth Into--

     As you know, we come up with a Bottom Ten List every month and we always make sure that it's chock full of funny.  But sometimes the funny overflows, so we have to mop some of it up and store it in buckets in a closet because it just wouldn't fit in the Bottom Ten Lists we printed.  But we wanted to give those buckets some recognition, so here we present to you:

The Bottom Ten Best Rejected Lines From Bottom Ten Lists

10. I've got more RAM than you can handle, baby.
9. Reality based programming will get better and better with shows like Who Wants To Go To Temptation Island With The Mole From Survivor?
8. Britney Spears will admit that she is, in fact, a man.
7. The Ladies Lady
6. No Hershey's Kisses, but plenty of Hershey's Punch In The Jaws
5. The Naked Shaft: From The Files Of Police Squad
4. When buying popcorn, ask for extra butter and "a generous spoonful of crack"
3. Ming Na Wo's El Diablo French Cuisine and Burger Joint
2. Mission to Marsha
1. You worked real hard for weeks, but nobody is complimenting your President Rutherford B. Hayes costume
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Pack Those Bags!

     You wanna go to Ohio? Sure you do! Everybody, deep down, if you really ask them, wants to go to Ohio. But how does one go about getting to Ohio? It's not easy to plan a trip like this all by yourself. There are many, many things that could go wrong. Why force all this stress on yourself, when there is a Travel Agency that can handle all the details for you, and guarantee the best trip to Ohio that you can imagine. Such a Travel Agency exists, and it's called Kent Sandusky's Travel Agency. The one that's run by Kent Sandusky.
     Our highly trained, highly knowledgeable staff can tell you anything and everything you need to know about Ohio. Did you know that Ohio has 73 state parks and a city called Hocking Hills? We do. And we'll tell you, if you ask. We know the best hotels, the finest restaurants, and the attractions that just scream "OHIO!!!!" at the top of their lungs. We used to serve other states, including Delaware and North Dakota, but we realized that we were just wasting our time. There is no state like Ohio. Even if some really clever state decided to dress up like Ohio, we wouldn't be fooled. We would see through THAT little disguise. So, take off that Akron, Iowa! You'll never be Ohio, no matter how hard you try!
     So when you're ready to stop screwing around, and ready to give in to the all-consuming power of Ohio, let us know. We'll get you there, and we'll make you stay. We're Kent Sandusky's Travel Agency, and Ohio is what we serve.
  Kent Sandusky's Travel Agency - You can't spell Ohio without O-H-I-O
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--The Best/Worst Of The Founders--

     As you all know, we've got a couple of people here at C.P. On-Line that we're all terribly afraid to make eye contact with.  We call these people Founders.  Founder Matt, of course, is our shameful boss whom any of us have yet to see sober.  And then there's Founder Pat, who's just plain off his rocker.  We're not entirely certain what purpose either of them serve around here, mostly because they're never actually here to begin with.  Take a look at some excerpts of where they've popped up.

**From Founder Pat's Interview With BulletinNet Magazine**
October 1997

  BulletinNet - What about the rumors of a Commercial Parodies Bulletin appearing in the next couple years?
  Founder Pat - I'm sorry.  Commercial who?
  B.N. - Commercial Parodies.  The lunch time comedy show.
  F.P. - I'm really not sure I understand the words that are coming out of your mouth.
  B.N. - You know, the improvised comedy show created by Founder Matt?
  F.P. - AIYEE!!!  Don't ever say that name in my presence, foul one!
  B.N. - I apologize.  I didn't realize you had such strong feelings about this.
  F.P. - With his cheap liquor and his pounds and pounds of delicious bacon he will tempt your soul!  Join me in my conquest against the evil one!  Help me to destroy the demon that plagues our land!
 

**From Founder Matt's Presidential Campaign Press Conference**
August 2000

  Silvia Newman - But how do you expect to keep up with your opponents if you don't have any firm stance on any issue?
  Founder Matt - I don't know about THAT, but I do know that for a talking dolphin, you ain't bad lookin' at all. (takes a large gulp from the paper bag)
  S.N. - Um... I'm not a dolphin, Mr. Matt. I'm a respected news reporter. I've got over twenty years of experience.
  F.M. - When I'm president, I'm gonna make you my secretary of dolphins, and you're gonna type up all my papers. You better not complain, neither, 'cause I got a tuna net, and it's not dolphin safe!
  S.N. - Is it just possible that you're drunk, and this whole presidential run is nothing more than the product of your drunken stupor?
  F.M. - Bad dolphin! No more corndogs for you! (Founder Matt pulls a corndog out of his pants pocket and greedily scarfs it down) I'm sorry I snapped at you, but this whole running for King thing is causing me a lot of stress. I'm really sorry. So... very sorry... (Founder Matt drops to his knees and weeps like a schoolgirl)
  S.N. - (takes a Polaroid) You know, you may be the best presidential candidate I've seen all year. You've got MY vote.
  F.M. - (wiping away the tears) Thank you. That means a lot to me. (Suddenly his eyes get real wide as he reaches into his pants pockets) Hey! Where's my corndog?! You took it, didn't you? I'm gonna make you pay, Flipper!
 

**Founder Matt Announcing American League Championship Game Six**
October 2000

  Bob Costas - If I can turn your attention back to the field, fellahs, the game is about to begin. The players are taking the field. And this sixth game of the ALCS is under way!
  Dennis Miller - You know, the Yankees starting pitcher throws more strikes than an L.A. transit workers bowling league, if you catch my drift.
  Founder Matt - Bob, what on Earth is he talking about?
  B.C. - Only he knows, Founder Matt. No one else has a clue.
  F.M. - Well, I don't know about THAT, (pulls out bottle-shaped item wrapped in aluminum foil) but I do know that that Yankee team is lookin' good today. They are safe in my book.
  B.C. - Did you just express attraction toward the entire New York Yankee baseball team?
  F.M. - You watch your mouth, Barker, or the right price'll be a punch in the mouth!
  B.C. - First of all, I'm Bob Costas, not Bob Barker, and second of all, it's very unprofessional to drink cheap booze during a broadcast.
  F.M. - You think this booze is cheap? Think again, Barker. Cost me upwards of six thousand bucks!
  B.C. - Is it possible that it was just six bucks, but you gave them six thousand dollars because you're a drunken putz?
  F.M. - (longish pause) You may've won this pricing game, Barker, but you'll never win the war!
 

**Founder Matt's Stand-Up Comedy Routine At The Laugh Factory**
January 2001

  Founder Matt - Good evening ladies and germs! I got some funny, and tonight, I plan to get it all over you. (pauses for laughter. There is none) So hey, what is the deal with airplanes? I mean, who's flying these things... a monkey?! (pauses for laughter) Hey, why did the chicken cross the road? It's none of your business! Huh? Huh?! (pauses, but it can't possibly be for laughter) So, I was in the 7-11 last week and I was all, "Hey! Guy that owns 7-11! Are you from another country or what?!" (pauses) Wow... tough crowd. I haven't heard this much silence since I told the airplane joke a few seconds ago.
  Heckler - You suck, Founder Matt!
  F.M. - Oh, I suck, do I? No, I'll tell you what sucks... a vacuum! Huh? Huh?! (holds out arms, as if for approval. A tomato comes flying out of the crowd and hits him smack in the face) Ouch! It's Mardi Gras all over again!!
  Heckler - The only thing funny about this guy is the way he sucks so much! (there is laughter and applause)
  F.M. - (as he takes a long, choking gulp from his paper bag) Well, I don't know about THAT, pal, but I do know that chick in the corner is lookin' fine!
  Heckler - You mean the fern? You think the plant is "lookin' fine"?
  F.M. - Yeah. Fern. That is a pretty name for a pretty lady. (stumbles off stage and struts over to plant) I'm not just funny, hot stuff, I'm also really, really drunk! (embraces the plant, which falls out of it's pot onto the floor)
  Heckler - Hey, look at that, everyone! He can't even charm a plant! (laughter, clapping, a standing ovation)
 

**Founder Matt and Best Actor Russell Crowe At The Oscars**
March 2001

  Founder Matt - I'm here with Russell Crowe, who just won the Oscar for... wait... Russell Crowe? Are you Cameron's brother?
  Russell Crowe - No, mate. But that's not the first time I've heard that.
  F.M. - What is it like to win an Oscar the same night as your more talented brother?
  R.C. - Cameron Crowe isn't my brother, mate. He's American. I'm from Australia. That should tell you everything you need to know.
  F.M. - So, has a dingo ever ate your baby? (guffaws at own joke)
  R.C. - (looks around as unamused as if Steve Martin had just made a joke) No.
  F.M. - (wipes tear) Hey! Hey! Would you like to put a shrimp on the barbie? AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!
  R.C. - Look, I know I don't have a sense of humor, but I'm pretty sure you're just not funny.
  F.M. - (suddenly turning serious) You watch your mouth, Crocodile Dundee, or I'll beat you to death with my microphone!
  (Mr. Crowe reaches up and breaks the microphone in two with one hand)
  F.M. - Well, that's just THAT. This interview is OVER! Now gimme my Oscar, you blimey bloke!!
  R.C. - (looks at legitimate press) If the kidnappers would like to get me now, that would almost be a relief. (press chuckles, Mr. Crowe gives wry grin, offers flood in)
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Is YOUR Third Arm A Handful?

     Are you afflicted with the constant pain of an unnecessary third arm? Don't you wish you could get rid of your third arm without the costly surgery? Do you ever wonder why you have been cursed with this horrible, horrible third arm, even though you're a good decent person? .... No? You've never thought any of those things? Oh. Huh. Never mind then.
   Dr. Fritz's Third Arm Removing Lotion - It's not for you
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--A Bottom Ten List Pulled From The Garbage--

     You've seen our list of the best lines than didn't make it into our Bottom Ten Lists, and now it's time to see the worst. Sometimes we write things that are so bad, that they must be burned at the stake (or offered to you as "by request only". Speaking of which, the famous Banned Ad is still available by writing to CPZone@hotmail.com) Nevertheless, we thought it might be fun to show you the lowest of the low with this list of the ten worst Bottom Ten list items we spewed out this year.

The Bottom Ten Worst Rejected Lines From Bottom Ten Lists

10. Digital clocks will cease to have hands
9. I can meet your system's requirements.
8. An empty Carl’s' Jr. bag
7. Just Shoot C.P.
6. Mock Those Less Fortunate Than Yourself
5. The title: Monkeys, Monkeys, Monkeys!!
4. Little Nader-y
3. A lifetime supply of exposed Kodak film
2. Talk to the characters on the screen about your private life, and then get mad at everyone in the theater for eavesdropping.
1. Charcoal briquettes... and a single Ritz cracker
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Planning On Dying Soon?

     You've always turned to The Cadaver Barn for all your cadaver needs. When you need a corpse for that funeral or that piece of conceptual art, we've always been there for you. But where do we get all the cadavers? Do we dig them up from graveyards or steal them from hospitals? Not since the lawsuit, we don't. No, we get our stiffs the old fashioned way. Buying the rights to the bodies before the person actually dies!
     Before you knock on death's door, pick up the phone and give The Cadaver Barn a call. We'll buy you for the most competitive prices in the business, and unlike lesser cadaver companies, we won't send out a hitman to speed the process along. We wait for nature to take it's course, because that's what you've come to expect from The Cadaver Barn. Our highly trained Stiff Collectors wait until you're legally dead, then we lovingly place you in a garbage bag, and drive you back to the warehouse in style. You won't find better service anywhere. As a matter of fact, here is our promise: If you aren't satisfied with The Cadaver Barn, we'll bring you back to life and refund your money, no questions asked.
     You know, we're who America turns to for dead, and we have been since your grandpa's grandpa kicked the bucket. So, when you're ready to be deceased, give us a call at 1-800-Buy-Dead, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, then sit back and relax. You're all taken care of. At The Cadaver Barn, we're dead serious about what we do, and it shows. We've got stiff competition, but we're not afraid. And remember, cadavers make great Christmas presents! Come visit us now, before all the good ones are gone!
  The Cadaver Barn - Now Legal In Two States!
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--The C. P. Mailbag--

     I know we're supposed to be picking the best items from the year in this Bulletin, but we decided to write a new mailbag anyway.  If we don't have at least SOME creative outlet, we really do go crazy.  Sometimes we cry.  It's really pathetic.

Dear CPPres,
     I gotta say, I never expected the C.P. Bulletin to make it through two full volumes.  How did you guys last so long?  Do you have any regrets?  Fond memories?  Outstanding warrants?
          --Horatio

Dear Horatio,
     Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio. A fellow of infinite jest. Then again, you didn't ask about Yorick. You asked about the Bulletin, which is something I know even LESS about. Um... let's just say that when it comes down to it, I don't have any REGRETS about the Bulletin, but I'm still very, very sorry.
          --CPPres
P.S. - Do you know where I can find a top-notch skull cleaner? This thing is ALL dusty...
>>><<<
Dear Happy Rabbit,
     Two entire years of the Bulletin is impressive, sure, but what shocks me even more is that you have stayed on the writing staff when you've had oh-so-many chances to leave. What gives?
          --Pops

Dear Pops,
     You misunderstand the way that the Bulletin works.  You see, we can't leave.  Oh sure, we'd like to leave, and nobody will really stop us if we try to go, but then where would we end up?  Founder Matt, as shameful as he is, has gotten us all addicted to bacon.  And while there is bacon elsewhere in the world, he just has so much of it.  So much delicious, delicious bacon.  So we're kinda stuck.
          --Happy Rabbit
>>><<<
Dear Gelvin,
     I miss your witty words in the Bulletin, as seldom as they've been.  Do you have any plans of ever returning to the Bulletin writing staff?
          --J. Connor

Dear Mr. Conner,
     While it's true you don't hear much from me in the Bulletin, that's only because I prefer to stay behind the scenes. I tend to think that CPPres and Happy Rabbit do a fine job of writing the Bulletin, and to interfere would only cause problems, because they are both annoyingly stubborn, and I'd much rather have their rage directed at each other. Do you have any idea how much they fought while picking out the items to go in this year-end Bulletin? I've seen less vengeance in Die Hard movies. It's madness. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'll still make appearances on occasion, but it's much more fun mopping up the other two's dried blood and teeth. Thanks for thinking of me, though.
          --Gelvin
>>><<<
Have you got a question for us?  Is there something you're dying to ask but just aren't sure if you should?  Well, here's a surefire solution for you: write to us to ask whether or not you should ask!  It works every time!  So let us give you some sound advice at CPZone@hotmail.com.
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Dot Com Slash Org Net!!

     When it comes to computers, I was so far behind I thought I'd never catch up. I didn't know a megabyte from a superbyte. I tried to learn. I really did. When my kids asked for a faster modem, I bought them the most expensive 26.6 baud modem I could find. To this day, I still don't have a clue why they called me those horrible names when they opened THAT present. It seemed like the world of computers was passing me by and there was nothing I could do about it. So when I saw the CyberDude's infomercial that claimed he could teach me to use a computer in only one hour, I was more than a little bit skeptical.
     After calling the toll-free number and ordering the CyberDude's video, I can now see that my skepticism was right on the money. Computers are HARD and no video of a fast talking weirdo with a jumpsuit on is going to change that one bit. I sat and watched this video and he started talking about the mouse and the monitor and the internet, and it was like watching Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon without the subtitles. I'm sure it makes a lot of sense if you can understand it, but I'm still beyond confused.
     So after an hour, when the video ended, I decided there was really only one thing to do. I took a hatchet to the computer. Now I feel better.
   Sure Cut Hatchets - Cutting Power You Can Rely On When You Need It Most
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--A Special Time Brought Back In Rhyme--

     Every month we have an item that we refer to as "The Special."  It changes from month to month, sometimes being a recording of one of Founder Matt's episodes, and sometimes being a trip to the C. P. Archives.  But every now and then, we put in a little extra effort and bring you something out of the ordinary.  Something you've never seen in the Bulletin before and may never see again.  And we decided to give a place in the year end Bulletin to our favorite special item.
 

**The Poetry Of The C.P. Bulletin**

     The C.P. Bulletin can be called many things. Clever. Engrossing. Virtual birdcage liner. But of all the things the Bulletin does for the public, the thing we're proudest of is the way that it seems to inspire people. We've received hundreds of thousands of letters (baring in mind that "hundreds of thousands" a relative term) and these letters are full of fascinating insights into the ways that the Bulletin has enriched people's lives. ("enriched" is ALSO a relative term) We get letters and drawings and pictures and even poetry. People write poetry, and send it to us! With that established, we are proud to present some of the poetry which has been sent to us over the years. Is there ANYBODY who does not understand the setup of this bit? All right then, here we go...

"At The Tractor Pull"
 - by reader Christy Gaines
I read your Bulletin, at the tractor pull.
It made me laugh, at the tractor pull.
I must've dropped acid, at the tractor pull.

"The Bulletin Limerick"
 - by reader Marty O' Shea
I like the Bulletin, it
Is quite amusing, I admit.
I have to defend it,
Because they still send it,
Even after I ask them to quit.

"Lessons Of A Blustery October Morn"
 - by reader Sanforth Longswell
theres not a place in the world which moves me like the ocean it is not because of the water nor is it because of the waves it is the bulletin
as the wind blows through the willow trees i think back to a time when children played and life was more than the sum of its parts can you hear the mystical howling in the distance far off never fear it is the bulletin
there is a day not far from now when the peace will not be a far off dream but a blinding reality and i do not have sunglasses of hate which will block out the rays of peace that are trying to claw out my eyes i want peace to claw out my eyes and i want the sunglasses of hate to be in the dollar bin at the wal mart what kind of swirling colors are they no one has a answer it is the bulletin
dreams come calling and i answer the phone and pay the charges because dreams always call collect its not just a dream it is also the bulletin and i answered the pay phone at the tractor pull
the
     tractor
          pull....

"What Bulletin Means To Me"
 - by reader Jimmy Vargas
B is for Bulletin, the one that I read
U is for you, someone else who reads the Bulletin
L is for Llama, cause Llama's are funny
L is for Llama, I thought we already talked about this
E is for E, the fifth letter in Bulletin
N is for Never, something that could be for E if it didn't start with an N
T is for Tractor Pull, for obvious reasons
I is for eye, what I read the Bulletin with
Y is for Yippee! My poem is done!

     If you have enjoyed this poetry, and feel inspired to write some of your own, please send it to us, and we will read it, and then throw it on the Big Pile O' Poetry, which looks suspiciously like a dumpster. Try not to think about it. See you all at the next tractor pull!!
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A Place Like Home

     When you're on the road, you want a place where you can get a good night's sleep. You want a place where the rooms are clean, the TV gets HBO and the air conditioner works. What you want is a place like Pinewood Motel. At Pinewood Motel, you'll always have a mint on your pillow, fresh towels in the bathroom, and soft beds to whisk you away to dreamland. Yes, for only $19.99 per night, per person, Pinewood Motel provides you with the perfect place to stay when you can't be home. But don't take our word for it. Listen to these true testimonials from satisfied customers.
   "Pinewood Motel was one of the most pleasant places I've ever had to pleasure to stay at. Everything was just right for the wife and I. I guess if I had one complaint, though, it would be the screaming howler monkeys that screeched from dawn till dusk. Other than that, Pinewood Motel is world-class!"
         Kent S. - Sandusky, Ohio
   "As a salesman, I'm on the road forty-five weeks out of the year. I'm so glad there's a place like Pinewood Motel. It's not expensive, the rooms are very homey, and if you turn the TV way, way up, you can barely hear the horrific screams of the hundreds of irate howler monkeys. Thanks Pinewood Motel!"
         A. Larry - Local Golf Course
   "Did you know that you can hear a howler monkey up to three miles away? I sure didn't until I stayed at a Hilton three miles away from Pinewood Motel. Heck, my mother heard them, and she's ninety-eight years old and deaf."
         Norman B. - Old Highway, California
     So what more are you waiting for? If you live in the lower 48 states, chances are there's a Pinewood Motel near you. If you'd like to find the nearest Pinewood Motel, please call our toll-free number, 1-800-PINEWOOD, and please speak up... we're gonna have a hard time hearing you over the howler monkeys.
  Pinewood Motel - Where people go when they want a good night's sleep and don't mind the endless cries of howler monkeys (Now accepting the American Express card)
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--The Cream Of The C. P. Archives Crop--

     The most popular feature in the Bulletin, aside from the part where we tell you it's over, are the classic Bulletin's from our archives. Every three months, we wander down the twenty flights of stairs, punch in the super-secret password ("password") and enter the dark, dank C.P. Archives. There, we browse through the hundreds of thousands of past Bulletins (trying to ignore the fact that we're only on Issue #28) until we find one of our favorite Bulletins from a different era. Here's a brief kaleidoscope of some of the greatest archived Bulletins of all-time (with the possible exception of the All-Drug Bulletin, which we generally agree wasn't our finest hour)

**From The Egyptian C. P. Bulletin**

-The Egyptian C.P. Bulletin-
Volume (confusing hieroglyph), Issue (what appears to be a cat dancing with a fish)

     Greetings, farmers, craftsmen and tomb builders, and welcome to a brand-new issue of the Egyptian C.P. Bulletin. This is the first issue since Pharaoh Matt commanded us all to build a statue of him that was "ten katrillion-gillion miles high", so we're all pretty tired. But we're not gonna let that stop us from keeping you all informed about the very latest in the world of C.P. So walk like an Egyptian to some shade, take a seat, and grab your Rosetta Stone, cause these hieroglyphs are really, REALLY hard to read.

**From The Scurvy C. P. Bulletin**

 - Crime News - As we had been suspecting for a while, Pirate Sean was revealed to actually be a Viking. We discovered this when we realized that he wore a helmet with horns on it, that he was from Minnesota, and the way that he referred to himself as "Sean the Viking". For punishment, we were going to have him walk the plank, but he's pretty nice, so we let him off with a friendly punch on the shoulder.
 - Lost - Captain Pat lost his eye patch and his peg leg last night as he slumbered on the deck. He thinks that he was the victim of some practical joke, and insists that it's not funny and demands the items be returned. But on a personal note, watching him trip and fall all around the ship, cause he only has one leg and one eye IS pretty funny, so I won't be giving back his stuff anytime soon.
 - Battle News - While sailing the seven seas last week, we came upon three puny ships, and we plundered them and sank them and butchered the crews. The sad, pathetic captain of the ships said that he was seeking a new world, and begged for mercy, but Mattbeard was all, "Shut your foreign mouth, Columbo!" and threw him overboard.
 - Important Message - Now, we know this voyage has been tough on all of us, and when you're in the sun as much as we are, you start to see things. But let me assure you all, there is NO little mermaid singing about how she wants to be part of our world. There's not! The Jamaican crab, on the other hand, is as real as the Oompa-Loompa that's running 'round here. Now if you're excuse me, he says he's got another puzzle for me...
 - And Finally... - Navigator Nathan informs us that there are some enemy pirates in the Caribbean. We just have to sail to Southern California for some reason, and go to this theme park, whatever that means. Pirates in the Caribbean (shakes head) Boy, it's a small world.

**From The C. P. Bulletin Of The Future**

Letters To Spaceman Matt

Dear Spaceman Matt,
     I just bought a brand new 125-inch flatscreen TV, but when I hooked it up, I found that I can only get 75,000 channels. 75,000? What is this, caveman times? You gotta help me out!
          --Carl of the Future

Dear Carl,
     I find that, for the most part, there are only about 40,000 channels that you really NEED. The rest are just for show. I mean, you gotta have the 600 HBO's, the 500 Showtimes, and the 1500 Telemundos. The Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Network is always fun, even though a million dollars is a ridiculously puny amount of money these days. I dunno, Carl. You just gotta make some sacrifices, like when I had to get rid of one of my 7500 hardcore XXX channels. THAT decision almost broke me.
          --Spaceman Matt
>>><<<
Dear Spaceman Matt,
     You aren't REALLY an alien, are you?
          --Sigourney

Dear Sigourney,
     I'm really not an alien, and I don't know why everyone keeps asking me that. I swear on the space capsule of my father, Szxzyz the Alien, that I am human just like all you other puny humans. If I was an alien, I would try to conquer your weak planet, but I'm not trying anything like that at all. See! My tentacles aren't crossed!
          --Spaceman Matt
P.S. - Do you need to be probed?

**From The C.P. Bulletin For KIDS!!**

A One-Two-Three-Four-Five Bottom Five List

     Because kids everywhere love the C.P. Bulletin For KIDS, we have been on the lookout for other great things for KIDS. Maybe if this works out, we'll start looking for great things for OLD PEOPLE!! But no, I don't see that happening...

The Bottom Five Great Things For KIDS!!

5. Basic Instinct... for KIDS!! (now starring Minnie Mouse)
4. Camel Cigarettes... for KIDS!! (now with 5% less tar and a great bubble gum flavor)
3. Ultra-Sharp Juggling Knives... for KIDS!! (um... they've got colorful handles...)
2. Atomic Warheads... for KIDS!! (...uh... hey, the knives have colorful handles!!)
1. Weekly Reader... for KIDS!! (now bi-weekly)
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Well, that's our Egyptian Bulletin and we hope you enjoyed it. If not, that's okay too. We have put a curse on you, so anyone who handles this Bulletin will die in horrific but very clever ways. That's just our thanks to you for your loyalty and readership. We gotta go now, though. I've got a runny nose and my co-writer is screaming something about the locusts or something. I'd best go check that out. See you next time!

Copyright 2500 B.C. Cat Records Co./1320 Matt Timely Musical Instrument Co./3001 Matt 8-Track Co./1988 Matt Cassette Tape Co.
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Volume 2 is over!  Down with Volume 2!!!  Long live Volume 3!!!  Long live Volume 3!!!  (ahem)  Yeah, um... I guess Volume 3 is right around the corner.  If that excited you like it excites me, then you'll be pleased as punch to come back in a couple of weeks and check out the Box Office Bulletin!  It's sure to be a smash hit!  Or a bomb, but I try not to think about that.

The Commercial Parodies Bulletin and all content within are Copyright 2001 Matt Records Co.

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